Since I was small everytime I feels that I am an unlucky girl. WHY??? I also cannot explain why because since small I think a lot before I do or even after I do something. I am scared of everything. I scared get scolded, I scared get bitten, I scared of stitching, scared of bleeding, scared of pain, and the last but not least I am really SCARED of die......
I still can remember fresh in my mind that there is once I was alone in the living area when I was still 7 years old. No one there but my grandma was in the kitchen. I was thinking if in this world there is no god. There is no karma. Then what happens when a person dies. Do they go to heaven or hell or they will go to the bridge where they will drink this soup that makes them forget everything about the past and rebirth again maybe to be human or animal depends on their deeds. I know and everyone knows that I am Christian and I shouldn't think this way. But I really can't help it. If can I really hope that I can think like normal person. Sometimes I tell Ah Wah that I think I really need to see psychiatrist. I am scared that when I die every memory and the things that I do will be gone forever. Althought when you read this you won't feel that it is horrible and something to be afraid of. But I really can't stop myself from thinking this. I have been thinking this thing from 7 years old until now. Until recently when after my wedding reception, the fear has increase more and more. I am really afraid especially during bedtime that is the time when I have most time to think about it. I can't sleep everytime I think of this. Now I am already 23 years old. How many more years that I still have??? When I am typing this I can feel that I am starting to think of that problem again. *Sigh* I do really hope there is an end for this thing.
4 comments:
i thought i am the only one who thinks like that. how glad am i when i know that there is someone who thinks like me.
sometimes when i had forgotten about those thoughts, life will seems very normal and bliss. but when i was reminded of that again, i felt really really guilty for taking everything for granted. and then for days i will keep thinking and worrying.
and just like yuu, the part that i scared the most is losing my memory. because everything is just too good and too beautiful to forget.
sometimes i would want to believe that there is really another world, where all of us died and go there. there our ancestors or deceased family and relatives will be waiting for us. that way, i would get to keep my memory and see all the people that i love once again.
but then again. at the end of the day. it's so devastating when i couldn't make sure if all these are true.
Because in this world nobody knows where people goes when they die. So we can only find out when we reaching that stage. o_O
T_T i really want to believe there is heaven or another world.
Yeah me too. Because I don't want my memory and everything that I know just vanish just like that.
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